When I sit back and think about my journey to motherhood over the last 8 years, I am humbled. I can see God's hand all over my life; orchestrating, molding and crafting a beautiful symphony. If this journey were set to music, I can actually hear the changes in tempo and melody in my head. It hasn't always been this way, but the beautiful thing about knowing God and having a relationship with Jesus is that you can have peace and joy in the midst of circumstances that seem hopeless.
Please read on for the continuation of my blog series, HOPE Part III: If God is for us, who can be against us?
Four years ago, I received a medical diagnosis for a condition called PCOS or polycystic ovary syndrome. It explained my miscarriages, the weight gain after discontinuing the use of hormonal birth control, my high blood sugar and so many other symptoms, including cysts on my ovaries that my gynecologist informed me would make conception the old-fashioned way difficult for me and my husband. I felt strongly that God had led me to this new doctor, who actually listened to me and confirmed I wasn't crazy when I thought something wasn't right with my body. He referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist, a fertility specialist, who might be able to help.
The funny thing about getting answers in the natural is that sometimes we read into it. For me, I thought to myself, "is this from God?" That question should always be the first one we ask, but we should also to pray and meditate about it. More often than not, God will show us his will through multiple signs, occurrences and people. But God also uses disappointment, struggle and defeat to get our attention. It's not cruel, vengeful or malicious, but it's love. He knows us, He created us and He knows exactly what it will take to get our attention.
The six months following my diagnosis were heartbreaking. I had four failed fertility treatments. My marriage was strained. I was still trying to control the outcome, but God had other plans. He kept whispering to me to leave my job. I questioned God's command, "How could I leave my job? My awesome insurance was paying for fertility treatment. I must be crazy!"
I had been in prayer more than ever before; not knowing how to give up control but knowing I needed to let God move the pieces. God was trying to get my attention. One of the ways he does this is through a restless spirit (Esther 6:1-14). I knew something had to give. I was miserable, and I worked for a non-profit that focused on maternal and infant health. It was a daily reminder of my failure to become a mother. I had been interviewing for lots of jobs, but nothing was panning out. And then came two different signs.
My husband told me to just quit and we'd figure it out. Money would be tight, but we'd be ok. And then, a good friend hopped in my car as I was leaving my office one day. She told me that she was serious about hiring me away. She owned a small business, a fitness center, and knew that I'd be an asset (she'd been saying that for four years). She couldn't pay me what I was earning, but she offered me partnership, controlling interest and the opportunity to build a dream with her.
I prayed about it and talked with my husband. This would be the perfect opportunity to focus on my health and wellbeing. So I jumped in with two feet, not really knowing the path my life was getting ready to take. For the first time, I was fully confident that with God on my side, there was nothing I couldn't do.
Romans 8:31 NIV
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?