HOPE Part VI: Putting my agenda on the shelf

It's funny how God weaves this masterpiece we call life.  This blog series has chronicled a part of my spiritual journey.  It all started with me saying yes to God; yes to a whisper in the quiet. Yes to the voice that now speaks so clearly I don't know how I went so long without listening.  Please read on for the final installment of this series.

HOPE Part VI: Putting my agenda on the shelf

Through all the heartache I have been through, the miscarriages, tears, anger, fear and frustration, it was all for this desire to be a mother; a desire God planted in my heart. Romans 40:3 NIV says, "He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him."

God made me a mother.  I have felt lost, alone and aimless on this journey.  God knew I needed someone to clarify his path for me; to explain the new "song" and desire of my heart. He sent me a friend. Her name is Brittany.

I decided once again to start tracking my menstrual cycles, thinking maybe now that I had lost all this weight and had my blood sugar under control that a baby was possible.  I downloaded an app to keep track of all the pertinent information.  Brittany and I met through an online message board attached to the app for women trying to conceive.  I was looking for a "cycle buddy" who was health-conscious and fit. We matched up and instantly became friends.  We rode the "trying to conceive" rollercoaster.  She was a newlywed.  I had just celebrated my 7th wedding anniversary.  We bonded over daily discussions about nutrition, exercise and husbands.  We texted every day.  We consoled one another monthly as the pregnancy tests came back negative. She was a light in the dark; a confidant other than God who understood my plight.  I was a safe place for her and continually had hope that she would conceive.

After nearly a year, Brittany was losing hope.  I continued to encourage her, pray for her and speak life over her.  And then it happened.  She got the good news!  I was so happy for her. She couldn't believe it. And then once again, I was alone.  The relationship changed.  It was bound to happen. We tried to carry on as normal.  The texts became a little less frequent.  I asked questions about her life and days. She did the same.

Then one day I heard God's voice very clear.  He told me to go to the baby shower. "What? Are you serious?" I literally asked that aloud to God during prayer and devotion one morning.  But the voice was clear.  So, I asked Brittany if I could be included on the guest list, and of course she said yes.  I had never met this person or her husband, but they invited me to come stay in their home.  I was not scared at all. I knew God had ordained this relationship, and I was excited to meet my friend for the first time and support her through this amazing life moment.  But, to say that my heart was not scared would be a lie.

I was still struggling with my lack of pregnancy and motherhood.  I prayed to God to help me put on a brave face and be genuinely happy for my friend. This was all about her. But God had my heart wrapped in his loving embrace.  Below is my journal entry after my first night in their home before the baby shower that afternoon. I have never shared this with anyone.

April 23, 2016 - I woke up this morning to the sun shining through my window.  The birds are chirping. What a glorious alarm clock. Thank you, God! Genesis 1:20 - And God said, "Let the water teem with living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the vault of the sky." Such a heavenly reminder of God's love for me. I am where I'm supposed to be. I feel the embrace of my heavenly father.   

Brittany and I at her baby shower.

Lord, I pray for Shawn and Brittany as they prepare to become parents.  I pray for their marriage. Hebrews 13:21 [may God] equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.

God gave me the perfect scripture today.  He is so good. Thank you.  I could not have imagined that trying desperately to have a baby would lead me here. 

That morning I worshipped in the privacy of my guest bedroom.  I cried, I prayed, I praised.  God brought me so much peace.  The trip was amazing. It solidified a lifelong friendship. It brought me closure. That weekend, I put my agenda on the shelf, and I stepped into God's plan for motherhood.

Epilogue:
One month after returning from that visit, my husband and I enrolled in a class to prepare us to adopt a child from the foster care system.  God had been speaking to us about this decision for months.  We now walk boldly into the future.  As of right now, we are waiting for certification from the state.  We pray, in God's perfect timing, that our child will be in our home, and our family, soon.  

Thank you for following my series and allowing me to share God's awesomeness with you. I pray you are encouraged. Please stay in touch! I hope you'll return for more posts about Freedom, Faith and Fitness!

I also want to speak personally to you, the reader; the one who this resonates with.  The one whose story is similar.  The one who's lost babies.  The one who's never been able to conceive.  The one who wants more children.  The one who's your sister, daughter, wife, mother or friend. If this spoke to you in any way, I want to say something very specific: God sees you. He hears you.  He knows you're struggling, hurting, frustrated, angry, bewildered and sad. I'm here to tell you that God cares for you, he loves you, and he is for you. Whatever road you've walked that led you here to read this blog, there is a God big enough to handle all your burdens.  I'm praying for you tonight.

Blessings,
Coach Steph

HOPE Part III: If God is for us, who can be against us?

When I sit back and think about my journey to motherhood over the last 8 years, I am humbled. I can see God's hand all over my life; orchestrating, molding and crafting a beautiful symphony.  If this journey were set to music, I can actually hear the changes in tempo and melody in my head. It hasn't always been this way, but the beautiful thing about knowing God and having a relationship with Jesus is that you can have peace and joy in the midst of circumstances that seem hopeless.

Please read on for the continuation of my blog series, HOPE Part III: If God is for us, who can be against us?

Four years ago, I received a medical diagnosis for a condition called PCOS or polycystic ovary syndrome.  It explained my miscarriages, the weight gain after discontinuing the use of hormonal birth control, my high blood sugar and so many other symptoms, including cysts on my ovaries that my gynecologist informed me would make conception the old-fashioned way difficult for me and my husband.  I felt strongly that God had led me to this new doctor, who actually listened to me and confirmed I wasn't crazy when I thought something wasn't right with my body.  He referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist, a fertility specialist, who might be able to help.  

The funny thing about getting answers in the natural is that sometimes we read into it.  For me, I thought to myself, "is this from God?" That question should always be the first one we ask, but we should also to pray and meditate about it.  More often than not, God will show us his will through multiple signs, occurrences and people.  But God also uses disappointment, struggle and defeat to get our attention. It's not cruel, vengeful or malicious, but it's love.  He knows us, He created us and He knows exactly what it will take to get our attention.  

The six months following my diagnosis were heartbreaking.  I had four failed fertility treatments. My marriage was strained.  I was still trying to control the outcome, but God had other plans.  He kept whispering to me to leave my job.  I questioned God's command, "How could I leave my job?  My awesome insurance was paying for fertility treatment.  I must be crazy!"

I had been in prayer more than ever before; not knowing how to give up control but knowing I needed to let God move the pieces. God was trying to get my attention. One of the ways he does this is through a restless spirit (Esther 6:1-14). I knew something had to give.  I was miserable, and I worked for a non-profit that focused on maternal and infant health.  It was a daily reminder of my failure to become a mother.  I had been interviewing for lots of jobs, but nothing was panning out. And then came two different signs.  

My husband told me to just quit and we'd figure it out. Money would be tight, but we'd be ok.  And then, a good friend hopped in my car as I was leaving my office one day. She told me that she was serious about hiring me away. She owned a small business, a fitness center, and knew that I'd be an asset (she'd been saying that for four years).  She couldn't pay me what I was earning, but she offered me partnership, controlling interest and the opportunity to build a dream with her. 

I prayed about it and talked with my husband.  This would be the perfect opportunity to focus on my health and wellbeing.  So I jumped in with two feet, not really knowing the path my life was getting ready to take. For the first time, I was fully confident that with God on my side, there was nothing I couldn't do.  

Romans 8:31 NIV
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

HOPE Part II: When your life doesn't go as planned

I'm sure you've heard the saying, "If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." Does that mean we shouldn't plan? I don't think so. But our desire to live life according to a plan not willed by God can lead to heartbreak, brokenness and defeat. When things don't go as planned, we sometimes ask ourselves, "why is this happening to me," or "what did I do to deserve this?" The truth is, God's word tell us that "all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purposes.” (Romans 8:28)

 We all have a unique calling on our life; a purpose that no one else can fulfill in the Kingdom. Most of us spend our whole lives searching for our purpose. Mark Twain once said, “the two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.” But what if you're so driven to fulfilling your own plans that you leave no room for God to show you his will for your life? If you don't take time to sit, listen and seek, how will you ever be able to hear his voice and see his signs? 

That's what happened to me. Please read on for the second part of my current blog series. HOPE Part II: When your life doesn't go as planned.

My whole life I was raised to have goals. I was a first generation college student; my dad finally completed his degree when I was 16, but I was the first person in my family to graduate high school and immediately go onto a four-year university. Frankly, I felt a lot of pressure; I'd go on to be the only member of my family to take a traditional path to education. It was very important to my parents and became very important to me. I was so driven to get the next 'A,' plan for the next class and set myself up for success. Before long, I didn't need anyone else to hold me accountable. I knew what needed to be done.

That drive has taken me very far in life; so far that I believe it became an obstacle to seeing God's plan for my life. Thanks to all my hard work, I graduated college in 3.5 years. Because of an internship my senior year, I landed a full-time salaried position three months after graduation. I was on my way! Education, check. Job, check. In the middle of college I met my now husband. He proposed a month after I started my job. Fiancé , check! We got married 1.5 years later.

Life was grand! Now, I had a husband who liked plans, too. We decided before we got married we wanted to wait 5 years before trying to start a family. Seems reasonable, right? But what I didn't allow for in my life and marriage was for Jesus to truly take the wheel (thanks to Carrie Underwood I'm now singing that catchy song in my head). I always kept God at an arm's length. I only ever put enough trust in Him so I wouldn't be too disappointed when things didn't happen. I didn't fully understand God's grace and desire to bless us until much later.

Five short months into our marriage, I found myself suffering a miscarriage; it was the most traumatic thing I've ever experienced. I was in the middle of a stressful season at work and didn't even realize I was pregnant until I lost the baby. I was on the pill (plan) and had been taking antibiotics for a UTI. I just wasn't expecting it. But God was trying so desperately to reach me. I just didn't listen.

Flash forward over the next 4 years and two more miscarriage. I had begun to pray fervently. I was unhappy at work. I was stressed, exhausted and at the end of my rope. My husband was self-employed, working long hours. I had this nagging feeling to go see another doctor. It wasn't just intuition, God was pulling at me. See, he'd been trying to get my attention for years, ever since I gave my heart to him when I was 16 and confessed Jesus as my Lord and Savior. But I wasn't ready to SURRENDER my plans to God.

But guess what? I was on the verge of breakthrough.

It was nearly my five-year wedding anniversary. BABY TIME!!! I found a new gynecologist since I had this feeling (the Holy Spirit) to change doctors. I made an appointment and was ready to have a baby. At that visit in July 2012, my new doctor diagnosed me with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, an endocrine disorder that can cause ovarian cysts, making conception and pregnancy difficult (my miscarriages). Left untreated, it can lead to serious health problems including heart disease and diabetes. But, all I heard was an answer (thank you Jesus) to my miscarriages and for the first time had HOPE that motherhood may not be impossible.

Please join me next time for the continuation of this series. Thanks for reading!